Note: This is not strictly a review of the movie.

I need help.

What a lovely movie, Kumbalangi Nights, though I hate to admit it.

Why is it difficult for me admit that it’s a really good movie? Maybe I feel that by accepting the fact that someone outdid me, someone is more talented than me, someone is more gifted than me, pokes at my complex bubble. Man, what a mind that I’ve grown up with! Am I so insecure that I can’t even accept that someone is really talented?

What Touched Me So Much in Kumbalangi?

Was it the music? The characters? The actors? The story? The direction? What is this sense of loss that I feel after watching it? A feeling of being alone, of fear, of longing for something?

Do I not… How do I… What do I…

Anna Ben (who plays ‘Baby’ opposite Shane Nigam) feels like I know her, though in fact I don’t. One email years back does not mean anything (she had mailed in her portfolio for an Ad that I was assisting in, without even her name, and I mocked her in my reply; which doubt she or anyone remembers, but me). It’s only my thoughts, my feelings. Or was it the brilliance of the team behind the movie that made me feel like I know those characters?

The world they created, is so far removed from the world that I know of. It makes me look at the fishermen folks differently. Never have I seen such local people being portrayed so close to the characters that I can come to know of, that it feels good, weird, different, surprising.

How beautifully have they created that world, a world that I would perhaps not even glance at, had my car passed through there.

“Isn’t this what stories are supposed to do. To connect us to a world that we barely know of. To make us feel part of a place.”

Yet I Feel So Lonely Right Now

Was it because I saw the movie alone? Yes, there were many others in the theatre, even though the movie was released three months back. What better a testament can there be for a movie? But I went alone and the two people who sat beside me were also those who had come alone to watch the movie. Is that the reason?

Or is it because I’m trying to find my own path and the loneliness I feel in that? Strange that I’m unable to discern. Actually, it isn’t that strange when I think about it. I usually do have these phases of confusion.

Why do I feel so worthless? Through my studies I know it’s some childhood emotion that is coming up and I’m unable to identify it.

To Touch People Like How Kumbalangi Did to Me

That is what I wish to do. To make people part of a world that I inhibit. Unlike Kumbalangi, it isn’t an actual place, but more of something in my head. The make believe worlds that I have in my head. And how I see the world around me.

Maybe if I make a movie and have people inhabit those worlds that I create, maybe in that space I might feel less lonely. Maybe that is why I want to tell the stories that I have in my head. To maybe feel less lonely.

I doubt it though.

“Make peace here, today, right now, wherever I am, with whatever and whoever I am.”

Only then may I fill that void I feel inside of me. To be whole.

That said, if you haven’t watched Kumbalangi yet, do I need to say more? Heartfelt gratitude to Madhu C Narayanan, Syam Pushkaran and all the countless others who worked to make that movie come to life, to stir up all these emotions in me.